How to Influence People and Make Friends in Mexico

The United States and Mexico have a long, shared history. California, Arizona, Nevada, New Mexico, Utah, and part of Colorado were expropriated by the United States as a result of the Mexican-American War (1846-1848), after the U.S. annexation of newly independent Texas in 1845. Today these states are populated with the descendants of Spanish and Mexican immigrants. A 39-kilometer (1969-mile) -long border separates the two nations, and until the 20th century (especially after 9/11), it was a fairly fluid boundary. Ideas and customs have always flowed back and forth between the two.

But despite their many shared customs, Mexico and the United States have different perspectives that define behavior. Business and social etiquette differ widely, at times interfering with communication, understanding, and human relations. Like people in the United States, Canadians, and Europeans tend to be more direct and to the point than their Latin American counterparts. Mexicans have their own way of doing things, and emulating or at least understanding them can give the visitor a more rewarding experience in this friendly yet formal country.

Because---despite the stereotypes seen on TV and in movies---formality pervades everyday life here in Mexico. Diners say "Buen provecho" (to your health) to their tablemates before starting to eat, whether at home or in a restaurant. They often say the same to people they know as they are leaving a restaurant, and sometimes to others seated nearby whom they don't even know. Along the same lines, people entering a restaurant or shop say "Buenos dias/buenas tardes" to the room in general, that is, both to the shopkeeper and to the patrons, who respond in kind. Just as business transactions are preceded by small talk, this small courtesy is expected in a shop before launching into a question or request.

Another example of formality: Many Mexicans refer in speech to "la casa de usted" (literally, "your house") when referring to their own home. This doesn't mean you should ask for the deed or show up on Saturday morning expecting breakfast. It is an old-fashioned formula of polite speech, and nothing more. In fact, many Mexicans prefer to be invited several times before visiting someone's home, and only after a specific invitation.

More traditional Mexicans says "Con permiso" when entering a home or business, which translates to "With your permission." The answer is "Propio" ("Of course," which is rather old-fashioned) or "Adelante" or "Pasele" (Come in). More modern or city-dwelling Mexicans may dispense with this formality, but it's a good idea to be attentive to what people around you are saying, and if others use this courteous phrase, you might try it yourself. People will think you a cut above the average gringo.

Accountability

One thing that understandably causes indignation among visitors or ex-pats living in Mexico is a pervasive lack of accountability. Workers may show up hours late or not at all. They often don't call or leave messages to explain their absence or delay. Although these attitudes are changing in places like San Miguel de Allende and Ajijic with large ex-pat populations, they still exist, especially among Mexicans with less exposure to foreigners. The reasons for the behavior are complex, but derive in my opinion from things like an unwillingness to disappoint or to face a confrontation, a reluctance to leave messages on a message machine, and such practical barriers as lack of air-time on their cell phones. Foreigners bothered by this can make it clear to those who are late or break dates that this behavior is upsetting or unacceptable to them, without going ballistic.

One gringa friend recounted the following anecdote about an experience at a nice restaurant in the countryside outside San Miguel de Allende. While serving her at her birthday bash, a waiter spilled an entire glass of red wine, soaking her previously white outfit. Instead of profusely apologizing or even replacing the spilled glass of wine, the waiter simply hurried away and avoided their table from then on. Knowing that accidents do happen, my friend wanted only an apology - and another glass of wine! But neither was forthcoming. To her, his behavior was absolutely baffling.

I have a hypothesis about the waiter's unwillingness to face the situation. Centuries of subservience to Spanish invaders, and later as servants or slaves to their Mexican counterparts of the oligarchy, the enormous lower-class population had little or nothing to gain by admitting mistakes. Would it not be best to avoid confrontation at all costs - to make oneself scarce and hope for the best? While this behavior seems less acceptable in a nice restaurant than on an early-20th-century hacienda, it is in some ways explained by history and class.

When In Rome--

In general during my time living and traveling in Latin America, I have found that people from interior regions are slower to change and therefore more formal than those on the coast, who have over the centuries had more contact with outsiders. Here in San Miguel de Allende---which until 15 years ago was a fairly small town where everyone knew each other---people tend to address each other as "usted" rather than the informal "tu." I've heard people who have probably known each other for years address each other as such. I've gotten used to neighbors calling me "Senora" (ma'am) rather than my first name, and I now respond in kind. Emulating how others speak and address each other is the first step in gaining the respect of Mexicans neighbors, friends, business associates, and merchants.

Phrases such as "No sea malito" (literally, "Don't be mean" but meaning something more like "Be an angel") and "Si fuera tan amable" (If you would be so kind) routinely precede requests, even things that non-Mexicans see as routine or expected, such as a gas attendant filling your gas tank.

Of course, speaking decent Spanish does help when you're trying to be subtle. Even if your Spanish is very basic, adding some of the above-mentioned phrases helps create a friendly and positive atmosphere. If you have no Spanish at all, ask the person you're dealing with if he or she speaks English before launching into a foreign-language lecture. Avoid regionalisms and speak clearly. Most people will respond with good cheer to these basic courtesies.

Good Vibrations

While researching this article, I asked a number of Mexican business people about their dealings with foreigners. I was somewhat surprised to find that most declared the extranjeros they encounter to be polite and not problematic. One investment broker mentioned that foreigners tend to toss things down (pens and papers, for example) in a way that seemed casual and bordering on rude. Several others mentioned an expectation among foreigners that everyone they deal with should speak excellent English, which they understandably find annoying and condescending. But in general people had lots of positive things to say about the foreigners in their midst.

This is no doubt due to the fact that in Mexico, both good manners and patience are highly esteemed. Mexicans facing roadblocks may become more formal and perhaps subtly sarcastic, but rarely loud or aggressive. (The exception to this rule is that people from Mexico City are generally characterized as having short fuses and being overly demanding, like the stereotypical New Yorker.)

Etiquette in Mexico demands forbearance, even in the face of difficulty. Mexicans tend to calmly explore possibilities when given an answer of "No se puede" (It can't be done), or to just wait around until they get an answer they like. They perceive the confrontational or rude person as a boorish clod or a demanding child. Loud demands and angry threats tend to garner much more negative results than patience does.

Saying What You Mean to Say - Or Not

Over the years I've had the inevitable missteps due to errors in translation. I once called a young acquaintance in Oaxaca (a very traditional society) "loca" because a friend in Ecuador used to call me that. Her mother freaked out, demanding to know why I'd insulted her daughter. It turns out that in Mexico, "loca" refers to a loose or flirtatious woman. Oops! In another incident, a repairman who came to my house to fix a lock took umbrage when I said to the person I was talking to on the phone "Hablando del diablo, ya llegó" (translating literally the phrase "Speak of the devil, he's here.") It turns out that in Mexico "speak of the devil" is the more mild "Hablando del rey de Roma" (Speaking of the king of Rome), and the fellow had no earthly idea why I was calling him a devil. Another time, I got into big trouble trying to translate "Don't spend it all in one place" (in an effort to be amusing) when paying just a peso for a photo copy. That one got me a serious dressing-down from a bad-tempered shop owner who thought I was insulting her.

Obviously, being understood in a foreign country can be challenging. The nuances and subtle word plays we use in our native language are beyond most of our grasp in a foreign tongue. So how do we express ourselves politely and effectively here in Mexico? In my opinion, the key to success with friends (or potential friends), business associates, shop owners, and service workers is the same as one uses anywhere in the world. Be polite, friendly, and expect the best of people. Learn as much of the language as you can, and be especially aware of key phrases that can arouse positive feelings in those you deal with.

You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Hmmm - How does that translate? It certainly bears looking into.